Resurrection

My Kind of Love

Cause when you’ve given up.
When no matter what you do it’s never good enough.
When you never thought that it could ever get this tough,
Thats when you feel my kind of love.

And when you’re crying out.
When you fall and then can’t pick, you’re heavy on the ground
When the friends you thought you had haven’t stuck around. 
That’s when you feel my kind of love.

Don’t ever question that my heart beats only for you. 

— Emeli Sande 

Baby

I feel like a girl out of skins. Smoking, drinking, losing friends, losing my boyfriend, knocked up, just wanting to run the fuck away. No one to talk to, no one to trust, though everybody will know sooner or later. Should I cling on to love or should I follow my thoughts, run away.. far away and never look back on the past 4 years of my life. I know what the easiest option would be but is leaving someone behind that I think… I think will love me unconditionally worth it. I guess I have more important things to think about first and that will determine my future. 
I’ll always remember three phrases.. one said to me by an ex ‘when there’s a low in life, a high will always come after.. life is balanced’
another by my dad ‘tomorrow will always be a better day’
and the last by an old close friend ‘everything happens for a reason and I guess things happen to you because you’re strong enough to take it’
I sat with my friends and just wished that this was all a dream, that I could open my eyes in the morning and none of this would have happened. But obviously that wouldn’t be the case but I just knew that tomorrow would be a better day. And it is. It’s hard to push away two people from your life when you’ve repeatedly tried though, especially when one once meant so much to you, but the ultimate was done and I genuinely don’t give a fuck anymore. I know this time I’m 100% done. 
So I guess everyday is a new start too.. but a new start is hard when your past lingers behind you. Through the tears and the pain though, I know I can hold on, I have to hold on, because it’s not just for me anymore. So I’ve managed to keep the one I love and he’s trying his hardest with me so I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and be there for him like he is trying to for me. Suck it up, be brave, keep outsiders out and focus on my life. My fucking life. Because although shits low now, it’ll pick up and I am strong enough to get through this. It didn’t happen to me for nothing. 

GOALS

So I haven’t written since February 10th. There have been so many life changing events that have taken place since then. Things I’ve wanted to write about but put it off because I know within a matter of time my feelings won’t be as strong as they were at the time. 
So here’s my goals for the rest of the year starting May 1st.
. 2 appointments per week at IPP financial advising. 
. Remember my motivation is my Pingu. No matter how afraid or how intimidated I may be about what I am doing or how I am doing it, who’s watching or who’s listening, I must remember that I am money hungry.. Money hungry to reach the ultimate goal of earning a steady 3k a month so I can get the fuck out, have freedom and someone I love by my side who IS willing to do what he can for me. 
. Start slow.
. May 1st - June 26th: $3,000 (1 for me and Jerm, 2 for England)
. June 26th - July 10th: England  
. July 10th… : $2,000 per month (saving 1,200 to move out)

. July 10th - August: Jerm Offshore ):
. October: Take a holiday! HK? 
. December: Apartment hunting <— ultimate goal reached! (6,000 saved) 
With a bit of luck or… A shit load of luck this will come with ease.. Without it, I guess hard work will be the most important thing.
I will work hard, be motivated, hope and I am doing this for myself and Jerm.  

"I think one of the worst feelings in the world, right behind heart break, is that disgustingly empty feeling you get, right after you spill your heart out and lay all your cards on the table. Right after you get the courage to say everything you have been feeling and be completely and recklessly honest. Its that feeling you get right after you risk everything, and he just walks away. Because then you realize that you just lost. You lost everything you didn’t even know you had when you said “What do I have to lose?"

"There it goes again. That heavy feeling in your chest when you don’t feel any desire to speak or move. All you want to do is close your eyes and sleep, because the process of being broken is incredibly exhausting. You attempt your best to make your days fulfilling, but no matter how hard you try you can’t seem to connect to anyone or anything."

I’m Sorry.

It’s a reoccurring pattern. When I’m down I fuck up and reach my lowest. I can’t explain why I do it. Sometimes when I stop loving myself, I stop loving every thing else too. The pain I cause others and the pain I cause myself after isn’t worth my few exhilarating hours of unprocessed thoughts. It’s only when it’s over and when reality hits me because of how I have made someone else feel, that I can come to terms with my actions. In some situations happiness can be restored through love. In others it will stay broken forever. I have more hatred for my wrong actions than hatred for my loved ones wrong actions that impact me. Each time I think I learnt a valuable lesson. But coming close to losing something that could always be there is different to coming close to losing something you might never see again. I guess I can say I’ve had this feeling before but the love was never as strong as it is now.
When I let him go because I wanted him to be happy it felt as though everything I’m living for was taken away from me. He’s the only thing I see a future with. Without him I would have nothing. And to hurt him so bad that he wouldn’t want anything to do with me just broke me down. I’m at the bottom now and I hope this teaches me a valuable lesson because the love is strong enough to keep us together. I won’t let him go again.  

"He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you."

We found love in a hopeless place.

It’s like you’re screaming,
And no one can hear. 
You almost feel ashamed
That someone could be that important,
That without them you feel like nothing.
No one will ever understand how much it hurts.
You feel hopeless,
Like nothing can save you.
And when it’s over
and it’s gone,
you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back so that you could have the good.

“People engage in harmful conduct after they justify the morality of their actions to themselves.”

— Albert Bandura